What to do About Guardians 3: The Director

Image: GUARDIANS OF THE GALAXY, VOL. 2

(This article is a follow-up to earlier entries I penned about the fan’s predicament and what the studio should do, which you can find right here and here.)

Serotonin is most often found in either the enteric nervous system or the central nervous system. It can also be discovered tucked away in blood platelets, and is often considered the primary cause for happiness. When a film  writer’s serotonin levels are low, they write up dream lists of who they want to direct a movie that’ll include a green lady and super intelligent trash panda. I have hit rock bottom.
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But that’s okay! Guardians 3 is going to need a director, and I am the unpaid, wannabe Disney intern who can totally make that decision. In no particular order, here are my dumbest, wisest, and weirdest choices for the job.

Image: BUCKNER/VARIETY/REX/SHUTTERSTOCK

Taika Waititi

I talked about it more in my last article, but Taika would be a great, predictable choice for the role. He’s got the Sci-Fi chops, the funny tweets (too soon?), and the chummy relationship with ol’ Mickey Mouse.

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Jim Jarmusch

Unless you hang around at artisan coffee shops whilst discussing the merits of corduroy, Jim Jarmusch might not ring any bells. He’s an “out there” filmmaker who brought Wu Tang and Bill Murray together for Coffee and Cigarettes, and I’m willing to bet he’d have as much fun in outer space as we do. And that hair, COME ON!

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Image: THE ASSOCIATED PRESS

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Image: GRAHAM WALZER

Bong Joon-Ho

The creator of the eternally weird and wonderful Okja, Bong Joon-Ho is an intricate artist whose follow-throughs are more than worthy of their concepts. If anyone could match James Gunn’s levels of weird while maintaining their own peculiars, Bong is more than up to the task.

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Ava Duvernay

A director in demand, Ava Duvernay has shown a predilection for grounded storytelling while still diving in to some absolute whimsy. She could provide more pointed agency to the motley crew of characters that tend to prefer quick quips and retro montages, all without sacrificing their fun.

Image: PG / BAUER-GRIFFIN

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Image: POP HORROR

Tim Burton

If this whole situation is gonna suck anyway, make it suck for different reasons. And throw in a crap Johnny Depp cameo.

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Noah Hawley

Noah Hawley is my dude. I affectionately love all of his everything, from Fargo to Legion, and even the short-lived The Unusuals. The man is a tour-de-force on TV, and just finished production on his first big film. He’s shown a heart and wit for comics, and this could be just the primer before he tackles that pesky Doctor Doom film of his.

Image: WE'VE GOT THIS COVERED

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Image: AV CLUB

Adam McKay

The Guardians films have served as ensembles for all its characters. Adam McKay’s Anchorman 2 had an ensemble cast. Coincidence? Well okay, it’s definitely a coincidence, and The Big Short is a better example of McKay’s evolution in filmmaking. Still, the man has a balanced grasp of wit, speed, and context, all of which might come in handy for a post-Avengers 4 MCU. And we might get ANOTHER Kanye cameo out of that, and who doesn’t want that? Nobody? Shoot.

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Brad Bird

Brad Bird is a an old favorite in the Disney Animation department, and his live action ventures have produced some very cool visuals and ideas. With enough direction and a studio handle on the script, Bird could put forth an exhilarating and thoughtful bookend to the Guardians trilogy.

Image: DEN OF GEEK

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Image: LIFETOUCH PHOTOS FREE SAMPLE TO SUCKER YOUR PARENTS INTO BUYING THIS CRINGEFEST

Me! Joe Brueggemeyer!

The economical choice isn’t always the wrong choice. 50 bucks an hour, plus General Tso’s Chicken available at all times from craft services. I also know about some movies already. I'm not even in the union! Unless that's not a good thing, in which case, I'm totally in the union.

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Jonathan Goldstein and John Francis Daley

At first glance, these good ol’ Johnny Boys might be an easy pick because of their writing credits on Spider-Man: Homecoming. However, their most recent directing venture is what inspired their addition to this list. Jonathan Goldstein and John Francis Daley brought Game Night to the big screen earlier this year, and the direction lends itself to more than just the giggles and chortles. There was some unexpected cinema gravitas on display, a quality that would feel right at home with Guardians 3.

Image: MANDATORY

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Image: GETTY IMAGES

Steven Soderbergh

It’s an impossible pipe dream, but the Oceans 11 and Traffic director is an auto-include on any director’s list. (There is no button or function for an auto-include. It’s more of a turn of phrase and I had to type this all out myself. That includes this completely pointless parenthetical that just keeps going and going and go-)

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Sam Raimi

“Sam, my boy, I forgive you for Spider-man 3, and even your botched plans for Spider-man 4. Come back to me, Sammy. Let’s make something good again.” -Joe, age 15

Image: COMINGSOON

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Who knows if any of these people are even in consideration? Disney has been known to throw the occasional curveball, and maybe, just maybe, a Midwestern fuzzyboy film writer could score a director's gig just by publishing a semi-joke list. If this article is proof of anything, Bob Iger, it's that I can ACTUALLY FINISH A TRILOGY.

-Joe Brueggemeyer