The Totes Serious, Educational-ish Fall Movie Preview 2k18

The Autumn Bomb is a tradition that I just made up, and I have a strong feeling it's gonna sweep this nation by tropical storm (too soon?). It starts with shotgunning a hard cider. Then, you snort a line of pumpkin spice. Finally, you jump into your neighbor's leaf pile with a jar of peanut butter and packet of Oreos, all with the hope of a peaceful, three month hibernation.

Until the Autumn Bomb catches on, you're probably going to be tempted to see a movie. But which one? Here is an exhaustive, unreliable guide to everything coming out this fall. 

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Smallfoot

The inevitable reminder that Dreamworks will never be Pixar, but you'd still watch this sh*t.

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The Old Man & The Gun

Half of this movie's profits are going to come from very confused NRA members.

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Hell Fest

Sell all of your theme park stock before Hell Fest comes out, because nobody is going to Halloween Haunt after this one.

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Venom

"So you see, that's where the trouble began. That smile. That damned smile." -13 Reasons Why, supposedly referring to Venom

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A Star is Born

If anyone mutters, "I wanna take a ride on your disco stick", even if it's in the background, I will steal every Oscar and mail them to Bradley and Gaga.

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The Hate U Give

The YA film adaptation that's relevant now like The Hunger Games will be in 30 years.

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First Man

This isn't so much a commentary on the movie, but if we ever encounter intelligent alien life, Ryan Gosling should act as the ambassador. Who could say, "Let's destroy the Earth for its resources" after staring into those eyes? I mean, come on!​​

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Bad Times at the El Royale

Pros of motels: People who look like Chris Hemsworth are clearly staying there.
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Cons of motels: People who look like Chris Hemsworth are probably getting murdered there.

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Goosebumps 2: Haunted Halloween

Disappointing Nostalgia 2: Electric Bugaloo

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Beautiful Boy

Drugs: they're not always great.

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The Oath

The unfun reminder of what happens in autumn.

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Halloween

The somehow more fun reminder of what happens in autumn.

Mid90s

Does anyone else feel this movie would be more relatable if it utilized Razor scooters instead of skateboards? No, just me? Damn.

Wildlife

"Whataya mean, I'm not allowed to bring my own tissue box into the theater? You'd rather have these seats soaked in my tears?"

Suspiria

NopeNopeNopeNopeNopeNopeMaybeNopeNope-HellNope.

The Nutcracker and the Four Realms

How the hell is this not a sequel to those Alice in Wonderland movies?

Boy Erased

*attempts to sneak said tissues in under my shirt, usher somehow doesn't buy my angular pregnancy*

The Front Runner

​I SWEAR TO GOD, I AM DONE WITH POLITICS.
​*immediately checks CNN notifications*

The Grinch

When people hear you say "Happy Holidays" and correct you with "Merry Christmas", they think you look like this.
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(Don't worry, I think you're a thoughtful, non-denominational angel)

The Girl in the Spider's Web

Still not as harrowing as walking through an actual spider web.

Overlord

Best seen in the parking lot of a Blockbuster in the nineties, while crushing Pabsts and riding around in shopping carts with your studded belts and ripped Smashing Pumpkins tee shirts.

Fantastic Beasts: The Crimes of Grindelwald

Jude Law's Dumbledore could do SO SO SO much better than Johnny Depp's Grindelwald.

​Widows

aka How to Get Away With Your Dead Husband's Botched Heist

Ralph Breaks the Internet

​Deadpool levels of meta, noticeably less dick jokes.

Creed II

​Cure for the common Mayweather.

Robin Hood

Brrrap Brrrap (but, you know, arrows)

Anna and the Apocalypse

It's a Christmas Zombie Musical. No jokes here, just statements.

If Beale Street Could Talk

*decides to steal all the toilet paper in the bathrooms because of this ridiculous "No Outside Tissues" policy. That, and am running low at home*

Mary Queen of Scots

Wait a second, is THIS the Alice in Wonderland sequel? Or could it be an IT spinoff? God, movies are weird.

Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse

A movie theater that's 50% adult nerds and 50% families equals 100% body smells.

Vice

Never drunkenly bet that Christian Bale won't put on 50 pounds of fat to play a noticeably older Dick Cheney. He'll do it, and now you're $50,000 in the hole.

Aquaman

What if the WWE SmackDown SummerSplash Octagon Fest could be underwater?

Bumblebee

I just want Bumblebee to find the kind of love that Eve and Wall-E had.

On the Basis of Sex

You wanna know more about Ruth Bader Ginsberg? Boom, the 2018 documentary RBG. Still not enough? Double boom, a 2018 CNN documentary. Hungry for more, you ravenous motherheckers? Here is a fricking biopic in 2018 with hot people that deserve Oscars for other things.