My father is a great many things: A USDA choice parent, a doctorate in Chemistry, an owner of several chainsaws. What my dad lacks, however, is noticeable culinary skills. Growing up, Saturday lunches consisted of applesauce,old craisins, and "open-faced" salami sandwiches (to save on bread). It's no wonder my mom always planned her errands for weekend afternoons. Sadly, the man with the nerve to pair Kraft Singles with, well, pears, never blossomed beyond a Depression era line cook. He did, however, salvage morning breakfast for good with the power of Breakfast Carb Tubes.
Breakfast Carb Tubes are nestled nicely between the eggs and shredded cheese bags of your grocery store, and are most notably the product of Pillsbury. Although there are many varieties, the big ones are Crescent Rolls, Biscuits, and "This Break-Up Will Not Own Me" Cinnamon Rolls (best paired with your parents' wine stash and a good cry). These quick treats are stored in compact tubes and are ready to bake as soon as you can crack them open.
Before going down the Gluten Hole of morning options, something needs to be said on the process of opening one of these magnificent packages. Pressurized to the point of those springy snake-in-a-can pranks, these contraptions are the best wrapped present. After peeling back the label to reveal an inner cardboard layer, one must smack that sucker on the corner of a kitchen counter or a shoulder of a loved one in order to access the carb-y innards. This combination of peel and pop has sadly been left behind in a modern era of ASMR videos, which is the greatest pox on humanity since-
-the escalation of climate change, human rights violations, genocide, etc. Still, the sounds are too good not to become the next viral sensation. Hearing it just brings up memories of running around the house with lightsabers and getting the dogs all riled up just to aggravate Mom. It's as iconic as the *ahh* in a Diet Coke commercial, and these products probably cause less cancer. Probably.
The Flaky Biscuit, No Substitutions
There are plenty of great homestyle biscuits out there. If you've been to a Cracker Barrel or found yourself in the drive thru of a Popeye's Louisiana Kitchen, then you've probably downed a fluffy, soft biscuit with ravenous delight. If that's something you want at home, then there's a Breakfast Carb Tube for that. WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT? Those biscuits have there place, but if you can only pick one biscuit style for at-home use, you go for maximum flake. We're talking, "Skip Your Own Wedding" levels of flake here. As a kid, pulling apart each and every layer of a canned flaky biscuit falls somewhere between portable yogurt packets and nailing that hotshot 4th grader with the perfectly placed water balloon. With sheet after sheet of buttery goodness, a simple breakfast becomes a joy that even the commercials can't fake.
The Icing with hints of Cinnamon Roll
As great as a sticky, sweet cinnamon roll can be, the deal breaker in canned forms is the icing. What basically comes down to pure sugar with a pinch of chemicals is the unifying factor of neutral pastry and earthy spices. Everything comes to life in the roll once it encounters a healthy drizzle of icing as it holds Ryan Gosling in sweet, sweet embrace.
Crescent Rolls: France Be Damned
This final moment of recognition doesn't seem like much, at first. Biscuits are eternal, cinnamon rolls are sinful, but the crescent roll is kinda just okay. Don't get me wrong, they're very tasty. All those precious little rings of butter and air are something to behold. The crescent roll just isn't as flashy or iconic as the others. What earns it the third and final spot, however, is the versatility. Upon cracking open the tube, these delicacies are laid out in a single sheet. And sure, you could tear along perforated lines and roll up some crescents with the best of them, but think above that. This canned carbohydrate can be twisted into glorious new creations. With little work needed, your chicken pot pie just received a blue ribbon in effortless cool. In a pinch, pigs in a blanket are the near-ultimate party starter, right behind a 30-pack of Natural Light and the very beginning of January. In the case of a curious young Joe, it was the spark of a culinary journey. The abomination of Breakfast Pizza required sausage, scrambled eggs, and one tubular tin of crescent rolls. The eggs were overcooked, the sausage burnt, and the pastry squashed, but I was awakened. Constant pizza-themed failures would follow, but eventually I got the hang of it. If not for Breakfast Carb Tubes and my cuisine-coddled father, I might very well still be eating open faced salami sandwiches, without toppings or joy.
Joe Brueggemeyer hosts and edits The Marquee podcast with Logan, and has an unhealthy obsession with baking.